"I um.....I wanted to know how you're doing?" Ryan asked, taking a step into my room.

"Why?  So you and your new friends can think of another idea to send me over the edge again?" I asked bitterly, eyeing Ryan as he walked over and sat himself down at the bottom of my bed next to my feet.

"I had nothing to do with that.  I had no idea that.....I thought at first that they were messing around, when we got off the bus.  I didn't know that......I wasn't even in the room when you came over.  Mike told me what happened.  That's when I came over to find you.  I heard you screaming and I ran upstairs but you wouldn't let me into the bathroom.  You kept screaming and muttering stuff.  I got my uncle to come and break down the door.  Then we found y...you," Ryan bit down on his bottom lip.

I shrugged my shoulders.

"What.....do you want me to thank you or something?  Is that why you're here?  Right now, it's not going to come from these lips, and I think you'll be waiting a long time for that to happen," I spat, before I looked away from..... those eyes, down to his hands, resting in his lap.

"I....I'm not after that.  I don't care if you don't thank me.  That's not what I'm after.  I j...just wanted to know you were really here.  Brendon.....I want....to be your friend.  Is that so hard to process?  Someone likes you and.....fuck Brendon!  Don’t be such a fucking hard case," Ryan yelled, moving up closer to me, so now he was sitting beside me, facing in my direction.

"People like you don't make friends with people like me.  People don't want to be friends with someone as ugly and stupid as me.  There is nothing good about me to want to be friends with.  I can't give you anything Ryan, because I don't have anything to give!  There is nothing....." Ryan cut me off.

"How can you say that about yourself?  I don't want anything from you, except.....to be my friend. Brendon....and another thing, you're not ugly.  Far from.  You know......everyone looks bad with braces on.....and....well....if you don't like your glasses, get contacts.....that's not the issue here.  Let me be your friend.  Let someone into your life and give them a chance.  I would never treat you like crap.  Never!" I was somewhat touched that he was saying all of this to me, and not giving up due to my stubbornness.

"You just feel sorry for me," I added as my full stop to this conversation.

Ryan sighed and stood up.

"You're right.  I do feel sorry for you, because you're.....such a hard ass.  You know what?  If you want to take me up on my offer anytime, you know where I live," with that, he turned, and started walking out of my room.

I let him go, turning back over on to my side, and continued with staring at my bedroom wall.

How desperately I wanted to believe everything Ryan had said to me.  Problem was, I wasn't sure.  I didn't want to set myself up for another crash, and I feared that life was less complicating if I didn't......

Dinner that night was very uncomfortable.  I watched dad stab at his pie, and mom staring down at her food, taking really small bites every now and then, then look across at dad and smile.  I didn't even touch mine.

"So Brendon......your dad told me that you want to learn how to sing.  I was thinking that Mrs Peter’s s a vocal coach and.....I could call her and ask if she'll teach you," mom said, as I shook my head.

"I want a non-Mormon to teach me mom," I stated, as her mouth fell open in shock.

"What do you mean by that?" she asked, looking offended almost.

"I don't want anymore to do with the church.  I don't want to be a Mormon anymore," I couldn't look at either of them, even though I should have to show how serious I was about this.

"What!  Brendon!  You don't know what you're saying," dad yelled so loud I cringed and jumped a little on my dining chair.

"I know what I'm saying.  I-do-not-want-to-be-involved-with-the-church!" Oh wow!  Where did this bout of confidence come from?  There was no way a week ago I would have thought about saying this to my parents.  Now I guess I had nothing to lose.  Really, what could they do to me?

"Brendon!" mom gasped, hands over mouth.

"I have bigger plans for my life and it does not include the LDS.  I'm over it and I refuse to ever go again.  You can't make me," I aimed that at dad.  He was always the one who made sure we were always at church on time, not a foot out of place and was very gung-ho about the family and it's home bible study plans.  At the moment, I had one brother off in England on a mission, a sister just about to head off on her mission to Ecuador somewhere, and the other two, married to good Mormon people, both with little kids and living in Utah.  I never see them. 

"It's our life Brendon!  You were born into it, and you have to life it," mom said, as I shook my head. 

"No I don't.  It's your decision to be in the church and I respect that, but it's not for me," I argued and I was right.  I didn't have to stay in it.  Noone was going to make me. 

With that, I asked to be excused from the table.

Mom shooed me with a flick of her hand, not looking at me.  I took that as a yet, then stood up and left.  Via the front door. 

I needed to walk.

I couldn't believe that I just did that, and as much as I knew it at that moment was killing them to hear that from me, it could never be taken back.  I wouldn't take it back.

Saying that to them, it made me feel good.  It was like a big huge weight was taken off of me.  Now what?  What came after that?  What do I do now?

'Live damn it!' a voice inside of me yelled, 'Get out there and live!'

The army slogan then printed it's self into my mind; 'Be All You Can Be!'

"Yes!" I yelled to myself as I hit the drive way, raising my fist into the air, and pulling it down to my waist hard, as a victory gesture.  Even though pain shot through my bandaged wrist, I didn't care.  Worth the pain.

I walked across the road to Ryan's and knocked on the door.

His Uncle answered it.

"Hello Mr Ross, May I speak with Ryan?" I asked, grinning.  I couldn't stop.

"Brendon right?" he looked down at my right bandaged wrist.

"Yes Sir," I replied, as he nodded, and smiled back.

"He's in his room.  Through the passage there, second door to the left," he stood back, letting me pass.

I think I even skipped my way following the directions he gave.

The door was shut.

I knocked.

"Come in!" he called.  My hand was already opening the brass door nob.  I was going to go in anyway.

"Oh.....hi," he was sitting on the floor playing a game on his play station.

"Okay.... I need to tell you a few things.  I'll start off by saying this.  Thank you Ryan Ross for everything you did for me the other night. Disregarding what I said earlier, I am in debt to you and your Uncle.  I wanted to thank you first.  I'll thank him later.  I also wanted to give you your first friends update with me...that's if you still want to be friends with me," I smiled.  Ryan turned off his game smiling back, and took a seat on his bed.

"Of course," he looked pretty happy.  That, I couldn't understand, but didn't care.

I then went on to tell him my big news of leaving the church.  I mean....come on.  For me there was no bigger news.  Ever.

Ryan was happy for me.  This was exactly what I needed.  Someone to listen to me and I definitly found that in Ryan.

Ryan proved himself to be the best friend ever.

He made me stronger as a person.

A Month had passed, and true to my word, I never stepped foot back in the church.  Most of my time was spent at Ryan’s house.  He taught me how to play video games and introduced me to really cool music.  Ryan played guitar too.  He and his best friend, Spencer who is a drummer, have their instruments set up in his garage back in Henderson.

"You'll have to come down and visit when I go back," Ryan said with a grin.

I really didn't want him to leave, but I knew he would eventually.  He was here for the summer though, and that was good enough for me. 

I loved being around him.  I felt silly sometimes, with how much time we spend together. I hoped that I wasn't smothering him, but he never acted like I was or said anything.  Only when I touch him sometimes and forget to move my hand.  He's gotten sort of used to me.

My parents won't even talk to me, since the night I denounced myself.  Didn't bother me.  I had Ryan.  I could do what ever I liked and they never pulled me up.  I slept at Ryan's house every weekend, and loved it.  Yes!  I was starting to live.

"Mike's taking us tonight to Henderson anyway.  You'll meet Spencer.  There's a party his brother is throwing, so we're invited," Ryan said, as my eyes grew.

"A party?" now here I was, with the vision of party food, streamers, cake and games (Come on.  I've been deprived).  I love parties.

"I don't think I've got anything to wear," I pouted, sitting next to Ryan on the bed.

"You look adorable when you do that," Ryan blushed a little, before continuing; "I'll lend you some clothes as long as you let me pretty you up."

"Good luck," I chuckled.

Later that evening we were getting ready to go to this party.

"Do we need presents?" I asked, slipping on a pair of jeans Ryan had lent me.  A little tight, but Ryan swore that tight was good.

"No.  It's not that kind of party," she shook his head, before removing my glasses from my face.

"You won't need those.  Nothing to read.  Now.....um....your hair.  I know..... Aunt Karen has a hair iron.  Come with me," Ryan took hold of my hand and led me out of the bedroom and into the bathroom.

He sat me on the edge of the bath and went to work, straightening and styling my hair while he stood himself in between my legs to get maximum access to my big head.  Finishing up, he put an oil based spray over it, patting it down.

"Perfect!  Fuck Urie, you scrub up well.  If you weren't so.......puritanical, I'd kiss you!"

He stood back, inspecting his work, looking pleased with himself, holding a cocky grin.

I stood up to look in the mirror, adjacent to me and checked out my hair.  Ryan stood behind me, looking over my left shoulder, looking into the mirror at my reflection too.

I looked like.......me; but with straighter hair.  I saw no improvement. 

I smiled at Ryan's enthusiasm, and thanked him, wondering what the word puritanical meant.  Could be another word for super ugly.

By 8pm we were at the party.  Mike borrowed his dad's car to take us.

There were no balloons, or....this wasn't a party!  If it was, it was on a very low budget.

"Whose birthday is it anyway?" I asked Ryan, as we walked into the back yard of who evers house.

"Birthday? No Brendon.  Oh....you've never been to a real party before have you?  I forgot.  It's just a whole lot of kids getting together and blowing off a little steam," Ryan nudged my shoulder with his head as he walked beside me.

"Hey Ry!  I didn't know you were back," a girl walked over to where we stopped walking and stood near a garden shed.

I looked around, slowly cowering my body behind Ryan.  Too many people here for me. 

There were around 60 kids around my age, talking, drinking....kissing.

All too much for me.  I was very overwhelmed for some reason.  I wasn't used to a scene like this.

Ryan was like my security blanket.  I grabbed on to the hem of his shirt, from the back.  I wasn't going to let him go.  Ryan didn't seem to mind.

"Brendon, this is a friend of mine from my old school, Samantha.  Samantha, this is Brendon, my friend from my new school," Ryan introduced me to the girl he spoke to. 

I turned my head to look at her, and smiled, saying a quick hello.

"Hey, is Spencer here yet?" Ryan asked the girl.

"Yeah.  Inside," she pointed to the back door.

Ryan turned around to face me.

"Are you okay?" he asked, making me let go of his shirt.  He took hold of my hand, looking a little concerned.

"Ryan...just don't leave me alone, okay?  I....."  Ryan lent forward and kissed my cheek quickly.

"There's nothing to worry about here, Urie.  Nothing at all.  I won't leave you.  I promise," he whispered, before leading me inside the house by the hand.

"New boyfriend Ry?" a guy shouted out as we walked into the lounge.

"Shut the fuck up, Tim," Ryan called back.  I let go of Ryan's hand immediately.  Maybe we looked gay.  Holding hands.  I must stop doing that.

"Just joking Ryan.  Shit," the guy called back.

"Hey Spencer!  Got anything to drink dude?" Ryan called over to some one else.  I took notice this time, of who he was talking to.  I wanted to meet Spencer.  Ryan talks about him all of the time.

A slightly chubby guy got up off of the floor and walked over to Ryan and me.

He took Ryan into a big friendly hug, patting his back, but only for a few seconds.

"...and you're Brendon right?" he put his hand out.

We shook hands.

"I've heard so much about you.  I'm glad someone is looking after my Ryan when I'm not there to," Spencer said, as he handed Ryan a can of something off of the table next to him, then handed me one. 

Alcohol. 

I've never had a drop in my life!  I heard alcohol causes a lot of life issues.

'Live Urie.  You know you want to try it,' the voice inside my head reminded me of the snake in the Garden of Eden.

I shrugged off the thought and pulled the tab.

"Thanks Spencer," I smiled before taking a sip.

It tasted like......errrhhhhh.  I screwed my face up, making a kssssssssskkkkk gagging sound.  Ryan laughed.

"Drink more.  It'll get better," Ryan giggled.

I looked at the can.  Bourbon and Cola.

I took a gulp this time.  Still tasted weird.  Sort of warmed the back of my throat and inside of my chest.

"So Ryan tells me you play lots of different instruments and you're quite good at it.  Also that you sing.  You should come jam down here with us sometime when Ryan comes back," Spencer said, as I took another gulp.  I figured, the sooner I finish this, the better.

"I've been playing since...I can remember," I was starting to enjoy the warmth of the drink inside of me.  Had like...a calming effect.

"Bren, you're going to get drunk quick drinking that fast," Ryan laughed, after taking my can to see how heavy it was, in measurement of how much I drank already.  He handed it back to me.

"I don't care," I responded.  I wanted to be drunk.  I think I did.  I've never been before, so really what would I know what I wanted.  I tilted the can back against my lips and guzzled away until it was all gone.  I didn't feel any different, except for the warm feeling in my chest.  Ryan grinned, watching me.

I smiled back before the biggest burp erupted unexpectedly from my mouth, and then giggled excusing myself.

"He's going to get totalled," Spencer said, looking at Ryan with a grin.

"He needs this Spencer.  I'll look after him," Ryan said, before Spencer handed me another can.

"I don't feel any different.  I don't think I'll be drunk.  Maybe alcohol doesn't work on me," I said, opening the next can.

Ryan started laughing.

"See Spence.....he's adorable.  He really does think that.  Everything he says he means," Ryan said, as I shot him an evil look.
 
"Well, it's not doing anything......and if you insinuate I'm mentally insufficient again, I'll....kick you," I said, which made him laugh even harder.  Spencer was staring at me with an amused grin.

Fast forward around about forty minutes later..................



A/N You’ll have to wait for the next chapter.  Oh yes I'm evil...call me what you will.....May not be much.